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FILLIO PARTIES END FORMAL RELATIONS

HOLLY SPRINGS, NC USA - MARCH 28, 2014 - In an announcement today which confirmed speculation which had been ongoing for over a year, the parties of Chris Fillio and Val Fillio disclosed that they have parted ways, ending a marriage of twelve years.

The impact of the announcement reverberated across the globe. Huge crowds gathered in impromptu celebrations in major cities and locations worldwide such as Kiev, Simferopol and Sanford NC. Riot police in Sao Paulo and Times Square were called in to manage crowds estimated in the tens of thousands. Twitter reported major outages as computer traffic was overloaded by the hashtags #IamYourFormerGirlfriend and #ReturnOfTheRallymaster.

“Due to improprieties and a continued pattern of feckless behavior from the defendant, Mrs. Fillio, my client has followed recourse to sever the current contract,” said Mr. Fillio’s attorney in a press conference at the nearby Aviator Taproom. “We are pleased with the court’s decision and look forward to final resolution of all contract matters. We are also quite satisfied with this local craft brew IPA, the Aviator Hogwild--with a 6.7% alc/vol and SRM of 5 IBU, its combination of "C" hops and dry hopping with Magnum, Williamette, and Amarillo make it a very hoppy and refreshing ale. ”

Mr. Fillio’s attorney would not comment on rumors of an alleged longstanding extramarital affair between Mrs. Fillio and a co-worker, citing an ongoing legal investigation.

On Wall Street, all major indices were up slightly on the news with tech stocks and pharmaceuticals leading the way.

News of the announcement was leaked to the White House earlier in the week, prompting President Barack Obama to make a hastily-arranged boondoggle to the Vatican for a nearly hour long closed-door meeting with Pope Francis.

“This is a great day not just for the United States of America, but for all Americans, especially cute, single, athletic, well-humored and smart women between the ages of 34 and 46,” said the President.

A crowd of thousands congregated in St. Peter’s Square, imploring the Vicar of Christ to expedite the imminent request for marital annulment. The Holy Father appeared briefly at the balcony of the Basilica, but issued no formal statement to the gathered throng, saying “No comment” in seven languages plus Latin.

Court documents obtained from Wake County (NC) District Court indicated that the Soon-to-be-Ex-Mrs. Fillio waived the 10-day notice requirement, and the judgment was finalized shortly before 10am ET. Messages requesting comment for this story from the STBXMF’s attorney were not returned.

Reports of an upcoming massively wicked kick-ass rager in Europe or South America could not be substantiated.

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