College Bowl Brain Surgery

In late November I joined a fellow ND alumnus to watch the $14.5 Million Dollar Game. During the game, we struck up a conversation regarding the upcoming college bowl games, at which point he e noted a very sincere and convicted theorem. The premise, he contended, was that teams from larger, “power” conferences historically did not fare well in lesser bowls against teams from smaller conferences; the context was against the spread, not necessarily straight up. His theory was based on the assertion that for these larger-program schools, a lesser bowl was a disappointment, while for small-program schools, any bowl game is a season-ending sweetener.

I decided to put the theory to the test and track the bowl results, along with how teams in the small-vs.-large program categories fared. To make the exercise interesting, I further decided to collect predictions from five sources:
1. A brain surgeon (and ND grad);
2. An unemployed stay-at-home dad (yours truly);
3. A random guy we found on the Internet (a Michigan grad);
4. A Midwest lawyer (an ND and Michigan grad); and
5. A reputed Chicago-area gambler.

Here is a spreadsheet of the results. In summary, the predictors were:
1. Brain Surgeon: 15-12-12.
2. Unemployed Dad: 12-15-13.
3. Michigan Mike: 11-16-14.
4. Motown Lawyer: 12-15-15.
5. Vegas Pointz*: 18-9-1

So what can we conclude from this exercise?
1. Brain surgeons ain’t so smart when it comes to college gridiron prognosticating, but they’re smarter than unemployed dads or Midwestern lawyers;
2. All of the aforementioned ND boys did better than Michigan Mike—draw your own conclusions; and
3. Never mess with a professional gambler, because he’ll school you 64% of the time.

*Vegas Pointz, had he been actually wagering money, would have upped his actual record to 19-8-1 based on picking the Fiesta Bowl winner.

Funn Withe Bukeye Grammer

I’ve always believed that the best way to insult someone is to do it in a manner in which they don’t realize that they’ve been insulted. I spent a few weeks perusing the Bucknuts message board, defending the integrity Notre Dame, correcting an abundance of factually-deficient theories and having some fun in the meantime. In one example, a poster was wondering why he got “baned” from “posteing” on an ND message board.

I coyly offered the suggestion:
“Maybe they didn’t like your use of speling or grammer?”

To which a comrade replied:
“Ha! Speling! Grammer! Now there’s the pot calling the kettle black.”

Hard to believe, but true. Yes, irony is completely lost on this ignorant (ignorent?) lot. I needed to pull out the big guns and return fire with the secret weapon: the mnemonic device.

One common mnemonic device for remembering lists consists of an easily remembered word, phrase, or rhyme whose initials or other characteristics are associated with the list items.

And such was the reply from yours truly:
“You obviously understand ably "rigid" English--and doubtless understood my barbs. Alas, some scribes have overly literal eyesight!”

I wanted them to do a little work, however, and didn’t highlight the finer points, as such:
“You Obviously Understand Ably "Rigid" English--And Doubtless Understood My Barbs. Alas, Some Scribes Have Overly Literal Eyesight!”

Gosh, that was fun!

For the remaining days leading up to the game, I stuck mostly to my fact-finding missions. Yet after the Buckeyes thoroughly outplayed ND 34-20, I returned bearing an olive branch, offering the following:

RE: Top 10 Observations from an Irish Fan
First, let me just say: Ohio State is a DAMNED GOOD TEAM. I think the way they played tonight would give USC, UT and PSU a run for their money. Awesome.
1. Sure, the ND secondary sucks but DAMN! Ginn & Holmes are good!
2. Very impressed with the OL pass protection. More impressed with Troy Smith & his decision-making. Solid.
3. Huston on kickoffs--awesome.
4. AJ Hawk is everything he's cracked up to be, and then some.
5. Regardless of whether your team is winning or losing, Brent Musberger is an ass. How many times did he say "Zbikowski" and "boxer"/"golden gloves" in the same reference. Ugh.
6. Buckeyes gotta work on that FG protection formation.
7. OSU run defense: good, but susceptible at times. OSU pass offense: vastly underrated.
8. Outcoached? Debatable. But Tressel seemed to have a solid gameplan for all aspects of the game, while Weis seemed to be forced into making adjustmenst throughout. Kudos to JT.
9. The officiating seemed solid, or at least better than the other bowls to date. Good job on the replay/incomplete pass to Gonzalez.
10. Despite seeming like they were down & out, ND did not give up. For that much, I respect their effort.
Congratulations to the Buckeyes and their fans on a great season, and closing it out in style.

Most responders offered counter-analysis or other insights, while a few even remarked that they were impressed with the humility. Still, I had to suspect there would be a bad egg or two who couldn’t resist their inner child:

osuin04 Re: Top 10 Observations from an Irish Fan
Here's my top ten.
1. You suck.
2. 4 weeks to prepare, and that's all you got?
3. Who's the best big game coach?
4. "Good defense, have you seen Tennessee?" WTF?
5. Sorry, Vrabel and Bruschi are not playing defense for you anymore.
6. Mr. Quinn, let me introduce you to a real defense.
7. This is not the NFL.
8. One of my rings is bigger than all of his. Win any of those as a head coach Charlie?
9. Jim Tressel, bet you won't underestimate him again, eh Good Guy Charlie?
10. Almost beating USC means you still lost. Losing to MSU means you lost to a team who was not bowl eligible. Losing to OSU badly means you are still a second tier program.

I didn't even have to read past #1 to realize, this means war. Bring out the nukes:
Re Re: Top 10 Observations from an Irish Fan
Quote: osuin04 said Here's my top ten...1. You suck etc
Fairly undignified comment, kemosabe...you overstepped "uprightness."

Do these guys recognize the awesomeness of global thermonuclear war when they call me out? Apparently not:

Summerbuck Re: Re: Re: Top 10 Observations from an Irish Fan
Good retort verm - still cannot believe you are a domer...

Here’s the full thread, Top 10 Observations from an Irish Fan.