Department of Redundancy Department

Stop me if you've heard this one before

On November 27, Alabama fired football Coach Mike Shula after a 6-6 season. In a closed-to-the-public press conference, Director of Athletics Mal Moore cited much of the standard clichés we’ve come to associate with these departures (note the clichés in bold):

“I have informed Mike Shula that he will not be retained as head football coach at the University of Alabama.

“Mike and his staff took over our program during a trying period four years ago, and in a number of ways Mike has been an excellent representative of our program. He personally has displayed impeccable character. As both a player and a head coach, Mike has made tremendous contributions to our program and we always will be grateful for his efforts. He has provided stability for our program through four years of NCAA probation which ends on February 1, 2007.

“However, we did not make progress on the field this season and have not been able to maintain the positive momentum necessary to return Alabama football to a place among college football’s elite programs.

“We will immediately begin a national search for a new head football coach. I am seeking a proven head coach with a proven record of achievement who can reach the level of excellence that all of us desire.”

--Mal Moore director of athletics at the University of Alabama, November 27, 2006

So just how “standard” are these standard clichés? Well, it would appear that the new version of Microsoft Word 2007™ comes with a bonus feature, the Terminated Head Coach template.dot.

"...The University has determined that Tyrone Willingham will not be retained as the Notre Dame head football coach, and I informed Tyrone of that decision this morning."

"All of us had great expectations when we sat here three years ago, and in a number of ways Tyrone has been an excellent fit and a great representative of our program. He personally has displayed impeccable integrity and tremendous character, and his players have represented themselves off the field in a first-class manner."

"In addition, our football program under his watch has never been stronger in terms of academic performance. We simply have not made the progress on the field that we need to make. Nor have we been able to create the positive momentum necessary in our efforts to return the Notre Dame program to the elite level of the college football world."

"We will immediately begin a national search for a new football coach. I don't have any particular parameters in mind, other than identifying an individual who can lead Notre Dame football back to the sustained level of excellence that everyone associated with the university and the program wants and desires."

--Kevin White, University of Notre Dame Athletic Director, November 30, 2004

Congratulations, Mal! You’ve just won the 2006 Jayson Blair Award for Excellence in PR Plagiarism.