Saturday, December 25, 1999

The KPMG Bonus Program

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09/97 - TSS partner announces before entire 2.0 project staff the allocation of a $100,000 bonus pool for the project. There is much dancing and rejoicing.

10/97 - Project Team completes effort for 10/1 deadline; status of bonus rumored to be circulating amongst Product Council of Elders who convene monthly at the Hall of Injustice.

11/97- No bonus in sight; leaves drop from the trees much akin to the dying hopes of the project populus. Attack ships from the Planet Peoplesoft claim additional victims.

12/97 - Merger of E&Y, KPMG throws bonus pool into wild speculation. However, rumors circulate that Product Council of Elders has approved bonus distribution. Project management steadfastly contends distribution to be allocated no later than 12/19/97. City of New York claims to have resold rights to Manhattan back to Choctaw nation for $24 trillion.

01/98 - 01/14: bonus distribution again approved by Product Council of Elders, in case anyone missed it the first time. 01/21: bonus distribution approved by consulting Commander in Chief Jim Golomb; re-approved a week later, just for good measure. 01/28: Golomb approves his previous approvals.

02/98 - 02/04: Biggest-of-Wigs, Rand Blazer, affirms approval of previous approvals and affirmations of distribution and allocations and...uh....says, yeah, looks good. Alleged letters of approval and distribution are alleged to be on his alleged desk. He allegedly approves these. Also approved is a meeting of the Product Council of Elders to review a proposed meeting to approve the alleged approval for distributing a memo approving the approvals for distribution.

03/98 - President Clinton, logging into Performance Intern 2.0 notices he has ‘1 document awaiting approval’ in his inbox. He selects ‘No’ and jumps directly to the White House Intern Interface Maint screen.

09/98 - As one of his last acts of office, Clinton realizes that he can override the PI 2.0 system (and the Constitution) by simply directly updating the database through WISQL. He sets the term_limits_ind from ‘2’ to ‘3’, and gets to work on hiring some new buxom babes for the chilly winter months ahead. In his newfound joy and rapture, he approves the bonus pool, forwarding it to the United Nations’ mailbox of Kofi Annan.

10/98 - United Nations resolves peace accord in West Bank; Saddam Hussein surrenders all chemical weapons in Iraq; 3rd world becomes devoid of disease and starvation; Cuba adopts democratic process; Cubs win World Series. U.N., with world peace issue out of the way, approves bonus pool and forwards to next highest authority, Pope John Paul II.

11/98- All remaining Performance Series 2.0 staff (both) replaced with Pentium III MMX 466mhz servers. JP2’s approval arrives by FEDEX to St. Peter.

12/99 - God approves bonus pool.

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