Friday, April 30, 1999

Capriles Captures Worsman Title

Arlington VA (AP) - In a landslide victory, KPMG Public Services manager Amir "amil" Capriles easily won worsman honors for the week ending April 5th. It is Mr. Capriles' first win of the year.

Capriles came out of the gate strongly, abandoning Brian "Player of the Year" Lowe for a scheduled April 4th tee time. It is believed weather may have been a factor in this decision.

Compounding this action was Mr. Capriles' assertion that he planned to attend the Capitol City Bar Crawl with fellow colleagues Daniel Hernandez, Jeff Kolar, Werner Watschke and Shashi-here. Sources close to the story acknowledge that Mr. Capriles' intent was to balance the forces of evil (Hernandez/Kolar/Watschke) in their attempts to corrupt Shashi-here with day-long bacchanalian activities.

In exchange for his absence at the festivities, Mr. Capriles proffered similar activities--though markedly less libidinous--could take place later that evening during a musical celebration at the Clarendon Grill. It appeared as if the parties were in agreement for this settlement.

However, in a move that likely sealed the victory, Mr. Capriles' whereabouts that evening were equally unknown. With present parties enduring a 40-minute wait outside the venue, battling chilling elements, Mr. Capriles was nowhere to be found.

"He is the worsman," cited Mr. Hernandez. "Only such a worsman would tool his friends, no doubt for some beeoeeeyatch."

Others in attendance concurred.

"What's up with this guy," questioned fellow grill-goer Brian O'Rourke. "Doesn't he realize this could seriously affect his ability to challenge for Player of the Year honors?"

Despite Mr. O'Rourke's concern, experts claim that few events short of Armageddon could preclude Brian Lowe from again self-proclaiming Player of the Year kudos.

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